1. Tony Volcano called, and not about flying time. No. He wanted to know why, after he’d flown in the mayoral special delivery (his words, not mine), I’d gone and kicked him to the curb.
Tony Volcano: You’re killing me, kid. I’m a romantic. I don’t like it. But that’s how it is.
Me: It’s a big cross to bear.
Tony Volcano: It is! Especially when I go out of my way to help young love along. And then you just cut that poor feller off at the knees.
He made me feel so guilty that I ended up telling him about
Preston, and that he had, indeed, helped young love along.
Tony Volcano: Heck. I already knew about that. I just had to call to give you a bad time.
2. He wasn’t the only one.
Ana: Wren. I’m putting you on speaker so that I don’t have to repeat every thing to Tom. Okay?
Me: Uh. Okay. Hi Tom.
Tom: Hey there.
Me: Is this awkward for you?
Tom: Not at all.
Ana: So. You and
Me: Yup. Me and
Ana: I never thought it’d happen. You two have been waltzing around the issue for years, each too hard headed for your own good. Tom had hope, though.
Me: Oh really?
Tom: I had absolute confidence.
Ana: He did. The rat.
Tom: Ana’s just mad because she owes me $100.
Me: Wait. You two were taking bets on this?
Me: That is so not okay.
Ana: But we love you.
Me: Yeah. Send me the $100 and we’ll talk.
Ana: Anyway. How did old
Preston finally make his move?
Me: You want to know? Take Tom off speaker phone.
3. Then Mom got a hold of me.
Only she was too distracted by Grandma’s news to harangue me too much about dumping the mayor at the out-of-state wedding, to which I’d invited him as my date.
No. That little bit of news was trumped by Alexi, who had decided to take up residence in Grandma’s independent living community.
God bless Alexi.
Mom: Have you heard what your grandmother’s up to now?
Me: No, what?
Mom: She told me she’s taking a lover!
Me: Grandma’s teasing you.
Mom: It’s not funny.
Mom: And it’s ridiculous. A woman her age!
Mom: She always has to be the center of attention.
Me: Mom! They’re not shacking up, and even if they were, who cares! Grandma’s lonely – how could she not be? And what a gift it must be to have Alexi – who knows her and understands her – come back into her life. Love is a gift!
Mom: Well. I never thought I’d hear that out of your mouth.
4. Sarah, who I was certain would clobber me over the head with a huge-ass I-told-you-so, was too wrapped up in Larry’s love life to give mine the attention it deserved.
Larry was supposed to be neutered. Sarah had called and made the appointment herself. But apparently when Dirk was supposed to drive Larry to said appointment, he ended up taking him to the Dairy Barn for ice cream instead. Because he couldn’t bear to participate in that kind of brutal unmanning (Dirk’s words, not mine). Sarah never got around to making another appointment, and now the good Reverend Jonas Vanderhill’s German Shorthair is in the family way.
Sarah: It’s so embarrassing. So irresponsible.
Me: Well. Apparently Gretel wasn’t fixed, either.
Sarah: Because she’s a show dog!
I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
Me: We can’t accuse Larry of setting his sights too low, then.
Sarah just pounded her forehead on the table. Because, in an effort to smooth over Larry’s little mishap, she’d offered to find all the puppies good homes after they’d been weaned.
I wanted one, for sure. And I had a good idea of where we could pawn off at least two more.
5. Margot: Absolutely not.
Me: Come on. They can play together in the yard while we’re at work; keep each other out of trouble.
Margot: I have to save up all my potty training energy for my child, Wren. For God’s sake.
Me: It’ll be good practice.
Me: Every boy needs a dog.
Margot: Not mine.
Me: Guard dog?
Me: Wow. You are cold.
Margot: I just don’t see the point in debating whether I will or will not take on a puppy that doesn’t even exist yet!
I’d already named my yet-unborn puppy and set her up as the store mascot.
Me: Don’t let Gretel hear you talking that way.
Margot: Okay. Fine. You fence in the yard so that I know you’re serious about this, and then we’ll talk.
As soon as the renovations were done, Margot is moving into the apartment above the garage that Grandpa had used as a man cave/shop. The garage is detached, so she’ll have her privacy, and I’ll have mine. Plus it’ll give her some space – free of any other associations – to regroup and decide what comes next.
I’d heard she’d conned the mayor into doing all the heavy lifting on moving day. Jack didn’t know it, but he was going to be the proud owner of a Larry-German Shorthair mix, too.